eternal sunshine of a cloudy me

What are you running from young lady? Where are you running to little girl? Who is that woman staring back at you? Who is the voice in your head?

Today I’m flying.

It’s been a long time coming.

Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming desire to change… to seek out something new… to explore. Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming need to leave the pain and gut-wrenching-ness that has become my life behind and start living again.

Lately, it’s been so obvious. I can’t stay here anymore. Down here on the ground, in the ground, where creatures chew my fingers and tangle my hair, things are bad.

I need to take flight to a place where my dreams can come true… if such a place can exist.

I can be stubborn and I have been tremendously so, I have been so determined to make things work. To pick up the pieces of a broken life and turn them into a beautiful wind chime that could sing happily of the hard times whilst living only in the good. But every time I tried to piece the music together the string would snap, or a piece would slip and leave stiches in my hands.
Today my bandaged fingers turned the shards into beautiful glittering wings; today I am going to fly. But where will I go? What am I going to find up there amongst the clouds? Answers? But answers to what?

When can I stop running? When do I find peace, when do I rest? If I undid my laces and retired my shoes I would simply run barefoot wildly through the fields as afraid as before but with prickles in my toes.

How does it end?







Dear Lost Girl,

i love you

I really really love you. You will find your way, I know you will. You will because I need you to, I need you to be ok and be happy and just be a part of my life.

I won't leave you here in this place. I won't let the dogs tear you to shreds. I'll find you shelter and I'll find you hope because that's what you give to me. Hope.

You are all I have and I need you to work hard at finding yourself.

You can't be lost forever


I found you in my heart,

(L)

exchange and engage

It's infinitely different now.
I don't know what has changed but for the moment there's no love, no passion, no motivation, no commitment.
I'm waiting for it to come back.
Until then I'm not sure there's a point in even trying.






....

(L)

violent breeze

I'm the wind. I float through my life & and the lives of others. I move branches, shake loose a few leaves and stir up trouble with the lighter of the garbage elements.
My life is flighty, unstable, unpredictable and always moving. Always moving.
I will never stop.
I turn peoples hair to tangles, lift up their dresses with my perverted breezes. I make music with the chimes and help fires gain ground.
I am unstoppable. I will float through you and see everything you try to hide.








Dear Eternal Holidays and a Winter of Sunshine and Beaches,

i love you,
both...
Dearly, deeply and endlessly.
You make the pointlessness of human existence not bearable but pleasurable. I have learned to love my life since you entered it. I've been lonely, I've been alone, I've been swallowed and I've been spat. I've been bored, lazy, frustrated, depressed, anxious, worried and desperately trying to ignore the path to my future. But through all this commotion and confusion you have given me hope and courage and the distraction I needed to ignore the mess.
My life has become one big adventure. You wake me up in the morning with your kisses and your wishes and we sneak out of the house and run, we run until the adventures find us. I whisper my dreams into your ears and you make them real.
You are my armor against everything life throws at me. You have given me new eyes and I will not be afraid again, so long as I have you by my side. Without you I'd be hiding in a cave alone, worried and scared with only Fear to keep me company.

I'll run forever,
(L)