winter blews

just waiting for the sun.

ode to armidale

cold on my fingers,

cold on my toes,

we shall have coldness wherever we goes.

lets be the rain drops

Walk with me.

Let's walk down this path and hold hands and tell each other everything.

Let's write a song...

Let's walk together and figure this out.

I'll make us tea and you knit the blankets and we'll walk forever and we'll walk forever together.

I'm going to put my hand in yours and we're going to take a step, just one little step.

I'll bring the music, and if the music stops we'll sing and if the singing stops we can hum and when our throats are too sore to hum we'll just let the birds sing for us.

I'm taking a step, are you coming with me?

Come with me.

We can make up stories about where we're going, we can make up adventures that we're going to have down the road. I'll sleigh the dragon if you find the treasure. We can cross bridges and uncover hidden keys, we can take chances and use rope swings and build forts.

Can we have an adventure?

I'm going to put my lips to your ears and whisper my secrets. Your ears will never tell. Your lips can sit in my ear too, we can tell secrets and dreams until the sun sets.

You're my dream, can I make you come true? My ears miss your lips when they're not whispering. Soft, hot, tickling whispers.

I'm going to take your hand in mine and read your palm, tell your future and make it come true.

Lets skip rocks on the lake, lets watch the clouds change shape and watch the rain fall from heaven onto our noses. Let's be the rain drops rolling over each others skin.

I'm going to kiss you now.

When we kiss there's going to be fireworks and waterworks and heart palpitations.

Our kiss is going to change the planet, there might be an earthquake or a flood or a hail storm. It won't go unnoticed.

Are you going to kiss me or what?

When we walk down the road the world won't be ash, we won't be starving, there won't be cannibals. There will be you and there will be me and we're going to walk right into the future and we're going to jump in the puddles and we're going to wear silly hats while we do it.

I'm kissing you now.

there's no place like home

the sewing machine and the girl had worked together and created something completely different.
the girl smiled, the sewing machine hummed.
this was the beginning.
this was the end.


(L)





I get trapped inside my head sometimes. It's hard for me to get out of here and back into the world, my thoughts can be mean, but they're never cold or windy. I can forget about the outside world and just spend days upon days walking around inside my head in a warm little bubble. I like it in here, it's safe and there's no annoying people.
I sit in my head and we talk and we muse and we contemplate. We both forget about the world that exists outside. Sometimes I allow visitors, it's always a little uncomfortable though, watching them walk carelessly through my rubble walls, touching my erratic mess. We whisper mean things about them, but only very quietly.
I worry about how much time I could spend here if the world didn't always insist on getting in the way at some point, I like it in here, we like it in here.

I prefer my bubble.
I prefer this world.










.

Shadows Pocket

There once was a little shadow girl who lived in a little shadow pouch.

She was alone and she was lonely and she had slowly faded into a nothing, just a silhouette of the colourful playful girl she used to be. Scared she would completely fade away and disappear into the nights air decided she needed to go on an adventure.

She hopped out of her pouch and back into the world she had long neglected. After her years in solitude the world looked strange to her, like every step she took caused an explosion of colour and excitement, how had she forgotten this?

She looked down at her little monochrome limbs and sighed, she used to be full of bright colours, radiating from deep within her heart. She realised how much she missed her old psychedelic self and she began to cry, big blue tears fell down her cheeks.

She’d read Alice in Wonderland and she knew that she needed to stop crying before her tears caused a flood, but she couldn’t. Slowly but very surely the tears formed an ocean, and the ocean was tumultuous and dangerous and alive with rage. The girls’ tears became joyous as she had always wanted to see the ocean and now here it was surrounding her.

As she swam in her beautiful tear drop ocean she felt something funny inside, like a little fireowrk shooting through her toes and sparking all through her body, tingling her fingertips & her nose until finally the tingling settled and all that was left was a perfect pair of sparkling blue eyes lighting up her otherwise dull face.

She swam to the shore and was busily trying to dry herself off when she realised she was in the most astounding green rainforest she had ever seen. Completely bewildered by her surroundings she decided to take a walk and explore the place, but as she walked her feet kept slipping in the mud and her toes kept getting tangling on the spikey vines. Feeling a little dismayed  but a little more determined she sat down on a stone and wove herself a pair of green gumboot shoes from the shubbery, using the vines to wrap them together and lace them up. Once she has finished she dusted off her dress and continued on her way.
She walked through the rainforest for a long time, marvelling at all the trees and creatures she saw. Finally she came across a clearing, a big open valley that was completely covered in bright red poppies. She skipped her way to the center to the field and lay down. She rested her head on a bed of poppies and watched as the wind swayed the flowers, listening to the valley breathe.

Walking through the rainforest had exhausted Shadow and so she rested her eyes and let the wind sway her to sleep with the breath of the poppies. She dreamt that she was a part of the field, that she was a poppy swinging and dancing in the wind.

She sat up drowsily in the middle of the valley and decided it was time to get on her way, but as she went to stand up the poppies began to twist around her, entwining with her limbs and making it impossible for her to get away, let alone stand. She was beginning to get a little bit frightened. She had enjoyed her stay in the valley but she didn't want to be stuck there forever.

She was trying to think up a plan as quickly as she could, and had begun to lose hope when suddenly the flowers began to ease away. Confused she looked down and saw that they had decorated her dress in their red blooming flowers. She quickly thanked them all and danced away, twirling in her red dress.

She left they valley and was dancing down the path, spinning in her dress and kicking her gumboot shoes and being altogether happy and altogether absentminded. Distracted the girl tripped and fell down a hole.

PLOD!

She landed at the bottom hard and was feeling very dazed and confused when she opened her eyes and saw a dwarf man starring at her. She introduced herself and ask the man his name but he refused. She dusted herself off and looked around the small hovel, the place was covered in gold! and in the corner stood a miniature spinning wheel, it was also gold! Shadow has an idea, she thought she knew where she was and if she was correct, she had a plan...
She turned and smiled cheekily at the little dwarf man.
"Hello Rumplestiltskin?" She laughed.
The shocked dwarf was suddenly very angry, no one was supposed to know his name!
And so a deal was made, Shadow could never tell anyone the little dwarfs name and in return he would weave her long golden hair. So as he weaved she sat and told him of her adventures and how she hoped to regain her colours and she made them pots of tea and baked cookies, it had been a long time since shadow had had anyone to talk to.

She fell asleep on a bail of straw while Rumple was weaving her hair and when she awoke all that was left in the room was the hay she was sleeping on, her new golden locks and a shiny rope of gold hanging from the hole she had fallen through the day before.

As she climbed the ladder she noticed a pink glow on everything, and when she arrived at the top of the hole she a little shocked to have no idea where she was, there was no forest and no poppy valley to be seen, it appeared as if she was on some sort of island, she was confused as to why everything on the island was pink until she saw the sun rising through the pink hue of the clouds, she grabbed a banana off a tree and sat to watch the sun rise. This was yet another experience the girl had not witnessed in a long time. She sat and smiled as the rising sun kissed her face, she picked herself off the ground, dusted the sand from her red dress and walked home.

She jumped back into her pouch and sighed with relief, it was good to be home.

um... i forgot to say

i love you.

(L)

a wig wamm waum

There's something better wrong with you.

I can only hear the whispers of words said. 
I can only feel the judgment of hurt and resent.

I don't know who I am or who I'm meant to be with.

I don't know where I am or how I'm meant to fit in.

There's sun on my legs and it's kissing my arms,

But not one little piece will make its way to my heart.

There's too much to think with nothing to say.

I can't pass another day this way.

I want to be here and further away.

This is one of the longest days.

Show me how to behave and where to sit.

Show me how to be better than this.

one girl one boi and one big ass ocean

There once lived a boy and there once lived a girl and between them lived a ginormous ocean.

They didn't know about each other, the lives that were lived on the opposite shores. They each thought the ocean was their own special place, they had a great and deep love for it which they never really understood but every morning when they went swimming they felt as though they were part of something greater, something important, something that made a life worth living. Something to do with love.
And so they loved their ocean and their waves and their fish and yet they didn't know yet that they loved each other.
One day the girl grew curious about the other side of the ocean, she knew it had to exist but it seemed so strange to her to think that there was a part of her beloved which she did not know. And so she started swimming. Everyday she would swim as far as she could out into the endless sea, never really getting anywhere near the other side, for this sea was infinite and endless and limitless. One day, feeling horribly frustrated with her lack of progress the girl swam, and swam and swam until she couldn't physically swim anymore, she was lost in its immensity and had nothing inside her to get her home, no energy, no intensity.
Her fish came to her and asked her why she had stopped swimming and why she was letting herself float deeper down into the water, she was too tired to explain that she'd used all her energy just to get here and could no longer keep herself afloat... and the only word she could think of was 'love'. And the fish understood because the fish had always known, to them the ocean had so many limits and to the fish the the boy and girl were the ocean. so they carried her on the back of their school to his ocean. But the fish forgot, as fish often do, that humans need air and cannot breathe through the gills they do not have. And so they carried her all the way there only so she could see with her last breath the boy she had always loved and always known but never met.
And he saw her the girl he had dreamed of and wished for as she vanished under a wave, and his heart ached, and the beach grew cold, and the water icier and icier. The sky darkened and the beauty disappeared and the water froze... As did the girl, as did the boys heart.
The boy was so lost, as she was lost. The one he had spent his life waiting to meet was gone...
There was only one place the boys heart did not ache and that was when he was on the ocean and so he spent his days there skating, skiing, playing ice hockey... Letting the icicles numb his pain.
He sat every day and told the ocean stories, about his life his friends his love and his loss. And she heard it all, from somewhere deep inside the ice and although she was still frozen her heart began to melt.... and he felt a change, he knew she was still there waiting for him as he had always waited for her and so began his quest to warm the ocean.
He covered it in electric blankets, made it pots of tea. He tried using a magnifying glass... He bought a hair dryer, poured kettle after kettle of boiling water over it. He even tried switching to aerosol deodorant to try and increase the speed of global warming. But despite all his efforts he saw no results.

But things had changed. The girl, burried deep in the ice, had seen all he had done to try and save her and her heart burned with desire and love and lust and hope and intensity. And the ice was melting, and although the boy could not see it from the shore she knew it was only a matter of time before she was free.
And one day, as he sat by the ocean telling a story about his old friend the whale who had disappeared during the great ice-over he realised how warm it was, he saw that the sun was shinning and could see for the first time the changes that had been going on underneath the sea. He ran out on the ice in his big woolen socks until he found the weakest point of the ice and he began jumping and he jumped and jumped and the cracks began and the cracks spread and all of a sudden he was falling through the ice and he let himself sink down deeper and deeper until he was by her side. And they smiled. and the ocean thawed.
They were together and that was that. They and the ocean were at peace.

And they drowned... but they did it happily.

this story is for you

I'm gonna ride this plane out of your life again
I wish that I could stay, but you argue
More than this I wish, you could've seen my face
In backseats staring out, the window

I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

So leave yourself intact
'Cause I will be coming back
In a phrase to cut these lips
I love you

The morning will come
In the press of every kiss
With your head upon my chest
Where I will annoy you
With every waking breath
Until you decide to wake up

I've earned through hope and faith
On the curves around your face
That I'm the one you'll hold forever
If morning never comes for either one of us
Then this I pray to you wherever

I'll do anything for you
This story is for you
('Cause I'd do anything you want me to for you)
I'll do anything for you
Kill anyone for you

-Coheed and Cambria

technicolor

In the world inside my heart and mind I can do anything I want. I live in a world where dreams and nightmares are real and where people are that which they love most.
I live in a world with never-ending bubbles and stories and pots of tea. Where every night you fall asleep to the sound of guitar and the sound of rain.
I live in a world where the wind blows and the thunder claps and everyone walks in the rain.
I live in this world. And that world.

Dear Lost Souls,

i love you,

If I could hold you close enough we'd never fall apart.

If we could dance on melodies the world would know Mozart.

But you have secrets in your world which I will never know.

And my world is made of that which I do not dare to show.

But lets just dance and dream and sing ... 
And tell each other everything.

In time reveal the things we did our best to hide,

My hand in yours and yours in mine as we let ourselves inside.

Because I would hold you endlessly inside my wooden heart,

If I could take your hand in mine and never fall apart.

(L) 

who do i get to be?

 

http://www.poladroid.net/

boots

 

With lips and teeth to ask how my day went
Boots and fists to pound on the pavement
Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten
Chairs to sit and sidewalks to walk on

-vampire weekend, horchata

hip hip hooray

i love you

(L)

if i could... if you could

In this house of magic is my room of silence, and this room has a wardrobe... and in this wardrobe is a big white box with golden hinges.

This is my hiding place, don't look for me here.

This is where I hide the things no one else can see. It's almost full now, of loneliness, infinite never-ending sadness's, it's full of untouched grief and the words behind my eyes. I get up and place everything I can't face into the box in my wardrobe, and then I get dressed, practice my smile and I leave.
I leave it all there... which would be fine if I never had to see it again, but I face it every morning, and once that box is full I'll have no where else to hide it... and then the cracks will start.
People will see, and they'll ask, and they'll know, even if I don't say a word. They'll see that the smile on my face is cracked, that the corners waver... they'll know. And then there will be nothing left of me... No one wants to fix the cracks, they have their own problems, their own boxes brimming. Why should they deal with mine when they could be dealing with their own?

I'm just like everyone else. We're all the same.

If I just put one foot in front of the other. If I just stop spinning myself in circles. If I just make you see me, really see me. then this might all turn out o.k.

If I can make you to realise that you miss me, that you need me, that your world would be so much better with me in it, then I might be alright...

If you could just feel how lonely my heart is, feel how it shut down, feel how it doesn't know how to make things better.

If I could just get you to hear this cry for help...

Then maybe I'd make it.

But no-ones listening, no one believes a word I say, not even me. How can I convince anyone of anything if I don't even believe it myself.

I can do this. I'm strong, independent. I can go and buy some wood, a hammer, a nail... or 8.
I can make myself a bigger box. And a bigger smile.

Do you see me?

bend or break her

the girl who never slept

When day becomes night and things become quiet, there's one whose eyes blink and never get tired.

This is the girl, the girl who never sleeps.

She uses her nighttime to plan and to plot.
She uses the darkness to see things aloft.

There's something inside her that seeks out your screams.
She takes them and places them inside of your dreams.

She plays in a world where no-one has friends,
A place where there's chances and tethers and ends.

This world won't exist in the harsh light of day,
But when the shadows creep over it's time to decay.

This is the girl, the girl who never sleeps.
This is the girl, the girl who never weeps.

She'll steal your heart to wear as a glove,
Laughing at you from up above.
Because this is a girl who's never known love.

part 2: tiny little windmill

In the middle of the night the princess was woken by a terrible noise, it sounded like a howling wind, rustling trees, creaking doors. She jumped up and ran down the many flights of stairs from her room to the front door of the castle, but when she opened the door the noise stopped. She ran down into the valley and saw that although the windmills still stood motionless it was obvious that they had moved. The wind had been here, but where had it gone?
As she stood staring bewildered at the valley, she felt a change in the air, something was different, but she could not figure out what is was. She curled up in a ball and fell asleep on the hill, too scared of missing the wind again to go back to her bed.
When she woke in the morning she was startled to see a young man sitting not far from her, staring down into the valley.
Her jaw dropped, she was mesmerized. He was with a doubt the most beautiful man she had ever seen. She crawled over to him cautiously and stared. She wanted desperately to say something, to tell him her name, to learn his. She wanted to ask him why he was here and where he had come from. He wanted to know what he was thinking in that moment and in all of time. She wanted to know everything. She furrowed her brow in frustration and tried to think desperately of something to do, to make this ok, some kind of symbol to make him understand why all she did was stare. As she fought with herself and her decision the young man reached out and held her hand. He placed it on his heart and let her read it. She felt all his feelings and knew all she could ever know about another human being. She lifted his hand to her heart and let him do the same.
She was loved. He was loved. No language could ever replace the feeling of total contentment and unbelievable happiness that came with their silence.
They walked back to the castle and began piecing it back together, restoring it to it's original beauty. The princess was glad not to have to rule the kingdom alone anymore and was happy to share her life and her heart with her prince.
Together they had built a new life together, a beautiful and strong life... until one day, as the princess was out walking in the sun a light breeze kissed her cheek, then the breeze turned into a wind and the wind into the gale. She ran to the valley calling her prince as she ran and she found all her windmills turning and spinning with joy.
They held hands as they stood by the valley and they both knew then that it was the wind who had brought them together. Who had forced the prince into the princesses kingdom with its terrible howling gale.
Time went on and the princess couldn't have been happier, she felt her life was complete, she spent her days in her prince's arms and when she could find the time would skip down to the valley and talk to the wind and tell him how content she was and how she could never thank him enough for all he had brought her.
The wind however, was not so content. A little ball of resentment had been caught up in its breezes and every time the princess brought the prince down to the valley it got worse, and every day that passed without a visit from the princess it grew bigger. The ball grew and festered over time until eventually it took hold of him and he began blowing the princess and the prince around the kingdom.
The princess, sensing that something was wrong as her feet had barely touched the ground all day, went down to the valley and sat with the wind. She sat all afternoon and all night. The prince, worried, brought her down some food, and as the night wore on a blanket and then a pillow. He wanted to sleep on the hill with her but the wind howled loudly and violently every time the prince neared the valley.
She stayed on the hill for days, talking to the wind, reconnecting. The wind blew through her heart and told her of his pain and jealousy. She sat and waited, hours, days, weeks, as he told her of the trouble in his soul. Then, at the end of the 17th day he read in her soul what he had been searching for. He saw the flame, the undying, unfaltering love she had always had for him.
She went back to the castle and spent the night with her prince, she lay in his sleeping arms and wept. Just as the sun was making it's way into the sky she crept down the hill to the valley.
The wind greeted her cheek with a soft breezy kiss.
She stood on the edge of the valley and began to scream. She screamed silently and loudly, with love and with sorrow. She screamed into wind until slowly she began to dissolve. She screamed and her toes began to disappear, her finger tingled and drifted into nothingness. She was becoming one with the wind. She screamed and screamed until the last fragment of her mouth joined with the wind and they sailed together through the valley and out into the world.
When the prince awoke and saw his princess was gone he walked hesitantly down to the valley, he noted how eerily silent everything was, not even a creaking door. And when he reached the valley all he found a single windmill, standing motionless, waiting for him.

part 1: tiny little windmills

I think you should tell me a story...
About how the wind blows through my life and my soul.
I think you should tell me a story...
About the life you want to lead and the prince you need to save you.
I want you to tell me a story...
About the prince who fell off his steed and how the princess was there to catch him

I need to hear a story..

A story about a heroic princess

Because I don't think the prince is coming.




There once was a princess who lived alone in a giant castle. She had no maids or knights, no country men. So she was the ruler of her life and her heart and she was self appointed.
She spent her days tending the garden and working the farm and the land. She took great pride in her kingdom although she was the only one who lived there.
Every day she would walk down into the valley and talk to the wind. She would let it read her heart and it would give her advice and keep her company. Sometimes when the wind was feeling jovial it would let the princess ride on its back and it would show her around the countryside and the nearby villages. Sometimes when the wind was feeling less than jovial it would blow so hard that the princess would be swept up and taken back to her castle.
Now, being the ruler of ones heart can be a difficult and grueling task, however the princess was living in isolation from any sort of heart confliction and therefore often forgot that her heart should need tending at all. The wind never forgot this though and often worried that if the princess left her heart untended it would wither and die, taking the princess with it. The wind knew the princess often found the company of others unbearable and frustrating as she spent the majority of her time in quiet solitude. The constant chattering of her kinsmen had begun to drive her to distraction and eventually she had withdrawn entirely, growing her own vegetables and grain in her kingdom, rather than visiting nearby villages.
One afternoon, as she sat with the wind in the valley the princess began to scream. The wind, who had never before heard the princesses voice, was deeply disturbed and did not understand what was happening to his princess.
The princess screamed and screamed, the sound of her voice echoing through the valley until at last she collapsed in a heap. Her voice drained, screamed away into the mountains that surrounded her, screamed away into nothingness, never to be heard again.
The wind decided it was time to do something, she needed help, she needed companions, she needed to be human before she screamed herself away into nothingness, until she screamed herself away into the wind.
So he left.
The princess visited the valley every day and every day there was nothing, not even the smallest breeze. Left alone in the gigantic kingdom without so much as a creaking door for company she began to make tiny paper windmills, she would carry them down to the valley and stick them in the ground, watching fascinated as they stood motionless.
Months passed, and the valley stood silently, covered in the tiny unmoving windmills the princess had made.
She wept her silent tears daily. Afraid that her only friend had left her for good. Confused about what she might have done to drive him away. She had lived alone her entire life but had only just discovered what is was like to feel loney. Her heart and soul were empty, she didn't want to be a princess anymore. She stopped working in her garden and stopped looking after the animals. She stayed inside the castle all day, sleeping and dreaming of a better place. The kingdom was in disarray.



to be continued...

i'm on the leaderboard

When I was 17 I was sure my boyfriend was the only one for me.

When I was 17 my friends and I spoke everyday. In person, on the phone and via the internet.

When I was 17 I had only just started making mistakes.

When I was 17 I had my mother to look after me.

When I was 17 I could ask for advice on every little thing that happened in my life.

When I was 17 everyone in the world had time for me.

When I was 17 the world had time for me.

I'm alone and isolated and confused and unloved. I want to have that feeling again, that absolute certainty that my friends are the best friends I could ever have and that they will be there for me for the rest of my life, that the boy who I love loves me unconditionally and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I want to know that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am intelligent and creative and constantly challenged.

I want the fear to go away. The fear that I'll spend the rest of my life reaching out to people I've lost in my life. The fear that I'm not worthy and that I'll be alone forever.








Dear Old E-mails,

i love you,
Thank you for surprising me yesterday, I hadn't thought about you for a long time and I was definitely not expecting you to come over. It's been such a long time since I've sat down and talked about the past. I'd forgotten how close we were and how much time we used to spend together. I wish We could be like we used to be, life was simpler and more exciting then. We were constantly making plans to go places, to visit friends and do things together.
Part of me is happy to have these memories to share... another part of me can't help but mourn a life we can never have again. How did we get so distant?
I think I'll always love you for the memories I have, even if I know that we will never have the same relationship we once had. I wish I knew how I could find my way back to you.

Maybe I should open a new email account, and make new memories...


Maybe the old ones are better,

(L)

new post

write something write something write something.

its the first of January 2010. I'm moving backwards... maybe I won't make the same mistakes this time round, maybe I'll make them worse. it doesn't really matter, I'm back either way.



Dear Photographs,

i love you
You remind me of all the special people and moments in my life. Having you around makes me feel loved and important and like I've actually lived this life I seem to be fumbling through.
Whenever I'm feeling lost or alone you're there to remind me that things have been great and will be great again. Sure, we have some painful memories, you've hurt me and made me cry, but I love you, and our good memories far outweigh our bad. And even though you've put on a bit of weight in the last few years it doesn't matter, it just means there's more of you to love.

infinitely more,
(L)