i'm on the leaderboard

When I was 17 I was sure my boyfriend was the only one for me.

When I was 17 my friends and I spoke everyday. In person, on the phone and via the internet.

When I was 17 I had only just started making mistakes.

When I was 17 I had my mother to look after me.

When I was 17 I could ask for advice on every little thing that happened in my life.

When I was 17 everyone in the world had time for me.

When I was 17 the world had time for me.

I'm alone and isolated and confused and unloved. I want to have that feeling again, that absolute certainty that my friends are the best friends I could ever have and that they will be there for me for the rest of my life, that the boy who I love loves me unconditionally and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I want to know that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am intelligent and creative and constantly challenged.

I want the fear to go away. The fear that I'll spend the rest of my life reaching out to people I've lost in my life. The fear that I'm not worthy and that I'll be alone forever.








Dear Old E-mails,

i love you,
Thank you for surprising me yesterday, I hadn't thought about you for a long time and I was definitely not expecting you to come over. It's been such a long time since I've sat down and talked about the past. I'd forgotten how close we were and how much time we used to spend together. I wish We could be like we used to be, life was simpler and more exciting then. We were constantly making plans to go places, to visit friends and do things together.
Part of me is happy to have these memories to share... another part of me can't help but mourn a life we can never have again. How did we get so distant?
I think I'll always love you for the memories I have, even if I know that we will never have the same relationship we once had. I wish I knew how I could find my way back to you.

Maybe I should open a new email account, and make new memories...


Maybe the old ones are better,

(L)