part 1: tiny little windmills

I think you should tell me a story...
About how the wind blows through my life and my soul.
I think you should tell me a story...
About the life you want to lead and the prince you need to save you.
I want you to tell me a story...
About the prince who fell off his steed and how the princess was there to catch him

I need to hear a story..

A story about a heroic princess

Because I don't think the prince is coming.




There once was a princess who lived alone in a giant castle. She had no maids or knights, no country men. So she was the ruler of her life and her heart and she was self appointed.
She spent her days tending the garden and working the farm and the land. She took great pride in her kingdom although she was the only one who lived there.
Every day she would walk down into the valley and talk to the wind. She would let it read her heart and it would give her advice and keep her company. Sometimes when the wind was feeling jovial it would let the princess ride on its back and it would show her around the countryside and the nearby villages. Sometimes when the wind was feeling less than jovial it would blow so hard that the princess would be swept up and taken back to her castle.
Now, being the ruler of ones heart can be a difficult and grueling task, however the princess was living in isolation from any sort of heart confliction and therefore often forgot that her heart should need tending at all. The wind never forgot this though and often worried that if the princess left her heart untended it would wither and die, taking the princess with it. The wind knew the princess often found the company of others unbearable and frustrating as she spent the majority of her time in quiet solitude. The constant chattering of her kinsmen had begun to drive her to distraction and eventually she had withdrawn entirely, growing her own vegetables and grain in her kingdom, rather than visiting nearby villages.
One afternoon, as she sat with the wind in the valley the princess began to scream. The wind, who had never before heard the princesses voice, was deeply disturbed and did not understand what was happening to his princess.
The princess screamed and screamed, the sound of her voice echoing through the valley until at last she collapsed in a heap. Her voice drained, screamed away into the mountains that surrounded her, screamed away into nothingness, never to be heard again.
The wind decided it was time to do something, she needed help, she needed companions, she needed to be human before she screamed herself away into nothingness, until she screamed herself away into the wind.
So he left.
The princess visited the valley every day and every day there was nothing, not even the smallest breeze. Left alone in the gigantic kingdom without so much as a creaking door for company she began to make tiny paper windmills, she would carry them down to the valley and stick them in the ground, watching fascinated as they stood motionless.
Months passed, and the valley stood silently, covered in the tiny unmoving windmills the princess had made.
She wept her silent tears daily. Afraid that her only friend had left her for good. Confused about what she might have done to drive him away. She had lived alone her entire life but had only just discovered what is was like to feel loney. Her heart and soul were empty, she didn't want to be a princess anymore. She stopped working in her garden and stopped looking after the animals. She stayed inside the castle all day, sleeping and dreaming of a better place. The kingdom was in disarray.



to be continued...

i'm on the leaderboard

When I was 17 I was sure my boyfriend was the only one for me.

When I was 17 my friends and I spoke everyday. In person, on the phone and via the internet.

When I was 17 I had only just started making mistakes.

When I was 17 I had my mother to look after me.

When I was 17 I could ask for advice on every little thing that happened in my life.

When I was 17 everyone in the world had time for me.

When I was 17 the world had time for me.

I'm alone and isolated and confused and unloved. I want to have that feeling again, that absolute certainty that my friends are the best friends I could ever have and that they will be there for me for the rest of my life, that the boy who I love loves me unconditionally and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I want to know that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am intelligent and creative and constantly challenged.

I want the fear to go away. The fear that I'll spend the rest of my life reaching out to people I've lost in my life. The fear that I'm not worthy and that I'll be alone forever.








Dear Old E-mails,

i love you,
Thank you for surprising me yesterday, I hadn't thought about you for a long time and I was definitely not expecting you to come over. It's been such a long time since I've sat down and talked about the past. I'd forgotten how close we were and how much time we used to spend together. I wish We could be like we used to be, life was simpler and more exciting then. We were constantly making plans to go places, to visit friends and do things together.
Part of me is happy to have these memories to share... another part of me can't help but mourn a life we can never have again. How did we get so distant?
I think I'll always love you for the memories I have, even if I know that we will never have the same relationship we once had. I wish I knew how I could find my way back to you.

Maybe I should open a new email account, and make new memories...


Maybe the old ones are better,

(L)

new post

write something write something write something.

its the first of January 2010. I'm moving backwards... maybe I won't make the same mistakes this time round, maybe I'll make them worse. it doesn't really matter, I'm back either way.



Dear Photographs,

i love you
You remind me of all the special people and moments in my life. Having you around makes me feel loved and important and like I've actually lived this life I seem to be fumbling through.
Whenever I'm feeling lost or alone you're there to remind me that things have been great and will be great again. Sure, we have some painful memories, you've hurt me and made me cry, but I love you, and our good memories far outweigh our bad. And even though you've put on a bit of weight in the last few years it doesn't matter, it just means there's more of you to love.

infinitely more,
(L)