one, two, three

It's not an amazing day today, looking outside at the grey clouded sky and the trees swimming in the wind it's hard to get a sense of what's to come.
I don't really feel a change coming, I feel an odd sense of anticipation. There are a few small indicators of the progression. I have a noticed a line or two that seems to be setting itself up for a long stay; organizing meetings with the proper authorities, trying to gain residency. Hey, come on, ask me! I'll tell you where you can fuck off to. But I guess I don't get much of a say in these matters from here on in.
There's also more exciting mail then usual, a definite sign that somethings happening.
I need someone to cuddle tonight, so that I don't wake up having vanished in the morning, I'm scared I won't exist. Someone needs to hold me close and hold me here.
I think this is the first year I've wanted to disappear, to swim in the other direction.
I'm not old, not yet.
It's not too late too run.







Dear Spoons,

i love you
I love you because you always make me feel safe and sheltered.
When you wrap your arms around me I am untouchable and nothing can come after me, nothing can come between us. We are untouchable.
When I wake up in bed with you I find it impossible to move, to leave, to get up and start my day. What motivation could I possibly have when my day is perfectly unbeatable? Why get up when it's all downhill from there. The ultimate morning, the best wake up nuzzling.
Spoons, you make me feel like the most adored girl in all the worlds. You always make me feel unbelievably special, because you always insist on having me close to you. Which is delightful because I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
We are the perfect pair you and I: Big spoon, middle spoon, little spoon - I don't mind.
Spend the day in bed with me -
Hell, spend three days in bed with me.

I promise you won't regret it,
(L)

wish list

I hate Christmas carols, they rub me entirely the wrong way. And if I hear a Christmas carol before Christmas eve I get angry, even if it's only a couple days premature.
I do enjoy Christmas carols on Christmas eve, but only when I'm in a car, filled with my sisters and mum and dad (this is getting to be a harder and weirder family tradition each year) and we drive around and look at the lights with the Disney Christmas carol CD blaring and us screaming merry Christmas to everyone we see while counting Christmas trees. Every year these silly little family rituals get further afield from what I remember, but what I absolutely love about my family is that not one of us cares that we look like morons or that we're all in our 20's, we still relive these childhood games every year. Running around the backyard with sparklers, throwing them in the air and mum yelling at us, eating chips and drinking coke, hanging up our stockings with matching pegs... No one has ever claimed to be too old for this.
They're probably too scared of what we'd do to them if they did.
We still make mum fill our stockings... But now, we fill hers.







Dear Santa,

i love you
Here is a list of things I want for Christmas... I'll love you even more if I get them all...

• Ipod Nano
• Wacom tablet
• Adobe Suite
• tongue piercing
• A book shelf
• Black low-top connies
• DVDs
• The entire contents of the Peter Alexander Christmas catalog including the men
• A place in Brissie with air conditioning, a pool and a fenced yard
• TV on DVD: One Tree Hill, Buffy, Sex & the City, Heroes, entourage season 5, scrubs season 7
  
• summer dresses
• bubble blowing machine
• underwater pogo stick
• giant beach ball

(L)

waiting on the windmill

I'm holding my breath, waiting for the world to explode, for everything I have, I love, I hold sacred, to erupt into flames and be obliterated.
I'm holding my breath waiting for the ache in my heart that is inevitably going to crush my chest when I'm the only one left on this planet.
I'm 50/50; 50% sure the world will end... afraid, terrified, struggling to hold onto those precious things I cannot live without, and 50% sure I'm being a little girl, afraid for all the wrong reasons, looking at all the wrong signs, seeing an explosion where there's really just a light breeze and a walk in the sun.
Someone tell me I'm just being silly - someone convince me that its all in my head, that good things are on their way.
Someone give me a reason to breathe.





Dear Life,

i love you
but give me a hint, tell me which way I should go. There's so much going on at the moment that I think I've quit. I wish I hadn't, I keep trying to fight it, to un-quit(?).
Life, you're confusing me. I love you, but do you love me? And what are we doing together? Did we really think it would work?
I love spending time with you and everything but you're just hurting me at the moment. I can't stop thinking about what we should do. I don't want to leave you but you just keep handing me these ultimatums and I just keep ignoring them.
Where will I end up if we keep playing these games?

Give me a hint,
(L)

new shrapnel & nose bleeds

Today my bed is my sanctuary from the relentless winds carrying on with their tantrums outside the walls of my little home. These winds are threatening to take me and my little dog too off to the land of OZ. I'm not in the mood to wet witches or search for courage, love or my brain. Today I'll wait for these things to come to me. I just want to sit here, under my blanket like a kid huddling in the middle of a thunder storm waiting to be swept away. Pretending not to be afraid.






Dear Winds,

i love you
The thing about you is that you never stay long. I know our time together is precious and I scramble to steal you for as long as possible, to make the most of what time we do have.
I trap memories of you in my mind and can recall them on whims.
Your ridiculously loud laughter, playing chase-ies around the house, I hear the doors creek as you sneak into a room, the curtain sway from you passing through. I could chase you all day, following the signs you leave behind. But you are impossible to catch, I never seem to be able to wrap my arms around you and say 'gotcha' you're too elusive, I'm not sure that you will ever truly be mine.
But it's impossible for me to hide from you, you can sneak up on me, find me no matter how well I hide. I like hiding from you, and looking for you... although all I ever see is the swaying of the trees you pass by.

Stay a while?
(L)

booze & boiz

I sit beside myself with everything in between.
I sit beside myself with nothing to prove,
with clean sheets,
with dirty hair,
a box of chocolates,
and a life.
My life.






Dear Sleep,

i love you
Last night I waited in my bed for you. I waited all night long.
Normally you come swiftly, sweeping me away from my tiring thoughts and repetitive inner monologue to our special world, the world where nothing exists but you and me.
But last night I was alone, alone in the dark with my thoughts and my nightmares, monsters crept around my windows and strange howling winds threatened the cocoon that sheltered me and my thoughts.
Sleep, I need you. The night alone left me feeling scattered and shaky. It had such a dramatic impact on me. I found it hard to operate all day today.
It's simple, without you I'm a complete mess, utterly hopeless.
All the nights I spend with you I never tired of your company or get irritated with your words. It's like I begin a time-warp when you enter my room, my bed, my head. My time with you is never wasted and always cut short, time with you is priceless, is necessary and is as hard to quit as any drug.
After hanging out with you I feel refreshed, awakened and alive.
Please never leave me alone for a whole night again, it scares me. Worries me. Fills me with angst and frustration.
Thoughts of you distract me from my work, often when I'm doing assignments or watching a movie I am consumed with thoughts of you that carry me away from the tasks I am attempting and take me into your arms. Other nights I lay in my bed and wait for you to come to me.
I wait for you every night, and always will.

Sweet dreams,
(L)

the story teller

There once was a boy who worked too little and was bummed and sad. He wanted to work but for some reason no one needed his help, he wandered the world confused and disheartened, looking for meaning and help and guidance and the truth behind all those questions life throws at you with no intention of answering.
One day the boy found that he had wandered back to the beginning of his journey and there people welcomed him and many a celebration were had in honor of his return, this made the boy happy but he did not feel content here, this was no longer his home despite all the friends he had made and he returned to his wanderings now not only in search of answers but in search of a place where he could belong.
He settled his pack down by a river and looked out over a small river city nestled over the hill and watched the lights of the city and the light from the stars dancing on the water and he felt peace in his heart.
He slept there the night, under the lights of the city and under the light from the stars and dreamed he was dancing on the water with them.
When morning came and he awoke he was happy and knew that he could not leave this place of lights and dancing and he picked up his pack and walked down into the city.
It welcomed him almost graciously and set him to work, not one, not two, but three jobs.
The boy was happy that his life had found some meaning and happy that he had found his home, he began working and planning and seeing his life in front of him just as he had always dreamed. during the day he would work and during the night he would dance on the water.
But slowly his work dragged him down and he would stumble home exhausted - too tired to dance or to look out the window at the lights. He closed his blinds and tried to sleep the night away so he could be rejuvenated for working the next day.
The boy had one day a week off and on this day he would rest and sit inside away from the lights and rock out on guitar hero.
The boy was still happy even though he was exhausted and tired and cranky most of the time until one day, this boy fell ill.
He was sweating and feverish. He felt deathly cold to himself and deathly hot to everyone else.
No one knew what to do and all feared. People came from all over the river city to visit him and try their best to cure him. In time word spread to all the people he had met in his wanderings and hey traveled far to see the boy and to try and diagnose him or to cure him.
Although the boy had not declined he had not gotten any better until one night he fell into a fevered sleep and began dreaming of his life, he dreamt of the night he spend under the stars and felt the cool breeze against his cheek and the smell of the water as it was lifted from the river by the wind and carried to him. When he opened his eyes he saw the stars above his head and the lights from the city were again sparkling in the river.
Next to him was a young girl who sat staring at the stars.
'lets go dancing' she whispered to the night, to the stars, the river and the city lights.
The boy and the girl danced on the river and danced with the river and he remembered why he had felt so content.
He danced all night long until the stars disappeared into the light of the sky and he continued to dance on his exhausted feet all the way home.
Everyone was excited to see the boy out of bed and in such high spirits that they partied for several days all of them wanting to know what had cured him and how. As time passed they all returned to their homes and the boy returned to his jobs but every night on his way home he would look to the stars, the lights and the river and feel that peace again.
the end.






Dear Stories,

i love you
Beginning, middle and end.

that is all
(L)

somersaults

I'm worn out, I think it's end of year blues or something. I'm not sure that I've ever felt this lost before, or this alone.
I'll continue to push people away. Others seem to be determined to push me, which is fine I suppose. Everyone has their reasons for keeping things an arms length away, some times further.
My tummy hurts at the moment from all the somersaulting I've been making it do and my heart is confused and angry and tormented and saddened by all. by nothing. by everything. by you. by me.






Dear Flash,

i love you
Your love burns me like a fire burning my heart into black cinders. I long to spend every minute with you, staring at you for hours and never feeling satisfied but always content.
You made my dreams come true, you helped me learn amazing new things and spent everyday at my house helping me not to fail tafe.
Everyday was just too much though my dear... Whenever we hang out we end up cooped inside listening to music. We stay up all night together, which is lovely but doesn't feel so great the next day. You know that I care about you but I just need a break for a while. I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock. It's just sometimes you wear me out a little and I'd just like some space to be on my own. Sometime to enjoy my life and the summer days outside.

I hope you understand.
(L)