a punch in the nuts

I keep hurting people. I seem to be going about my everyday life and all of a sudden 'BAM' another one bites the dust and I'm to blame and it sucks.
It is my fault, I know it. The problem is I just don't see it coming, and I can talk myself into anything which is a majorly bad thing when you shouldn't be doing something.
I might be dangerous.







Dear _____________,

i love you
What is this burning desire I have to keep you safe, to keep you close, to grant you your wishes for eternity?
I want to deliver you into the hands of your dreams and watch you dance away into the life you long to lead... Even though I know this is not a life I can be part of.
I long to be good enough for you, to see you smile at me with utter adoration, but your eyes have been emptied. I'm not to you what I once was.
I want to take you by the hand, lead you through the hidden door in the back of the garden and down the rabbit hole to a secret place where I can keep you safe. Safe from pain, safe from heartache, stress and life.
I don't want you to feel these pains that I feel, I want you to be free of them because you are so sweet, so kind, so gentle and unassuming and do not deserve pain. I deserve all I get because I bring it on myself but you don't. There is not malice in your thoughts, no judgments in the looks you cast.
If I was you I would reach out and take what I wanted, screw right and screw wrong. But you won't, you would never - and it saddens my heart. You deserve to feel the happiness that holding that hand inside yours would bring, you deserve to whisper secrets into that ear and hold that body close to you.Your deserve everything love has to offer you. I want to hand it to you on a platter and say, 'look my sweet, this is love... Take it, I've had my fill - it's your turn.'
I think I might love you more than anything in the world, you keep me smiling, dancing and loving,

You are my family always dearest,
(L)

i'm not sorry

I often find myself waiting for apologies or waiting for the moment I'm allowed to forgive someone for hurting me. I don't like being angry at people, especially people I value. But the apologies don't always come, or else they come and they're not what I was expecting, they seem hollow. I can see right through them to the insincere face delivering them. These transparent words hurt the worst I think, because I've been hanging out to release my forgiveness and make amends and then I end up more confused and wounded then I was originally.
I want to forgive everyone, but I don't think that they all deserve it. And I don't want people to walk all over me because they know I can't hold a very good grudge.





Dear Apologies,

i love you
You fix things, mend my wounds, heal my heart. Your attention surprises me and often causes my cheeks to light up in shades of pink and red.
You always speak to me so tenderly and always to heartfelt - You take my aching heart in your hands and nurture it into love, courage and most importantly, forgiveness.
You are the angel of my life, you come to me when I am feeling hurt or betrayed and you lift that sorrow from me and free me into a new world.
But Apology, the last time we hung out your words were empty. Your usual affect was lost on me, I felt more hurt and more betrayed by our last encounter than I have felt from any betrayal. I think you were being selfish, I think you were TRYING to get the forgiveness without much emphasis on the foreplay, and I'm sorry but the pain is too deep for forgiveness, I don't think it's mendable, not unless you can be the best Apology you've ever been... And I don't think you care enough to try.
It really hurts me when I'm waiting for certain things to be done or to be said so I can make a mends with you, but knowing at the same times these things will never occur.
I don't think you could understand how much you've hurt me because I don't understand it myself.
Please don't try to apologise again,

It only hurts me,
(L)