When I was 17 I was sure my boyfriend was the only one for me.
When I was 17 my friends and I spoke everyday. In person, on the phone and via the internet.
When I was 17 I had only just started making mistakes.
When I was 17 I had my mother to look after me.
When I was 17 I could ask for advice on every little thing that happened in my life.
When I was 17 everyone in the world had time for me.
When I was 17 the world had time for me.
I'm alone and isolated and confused and unloved. I want to have that feeling again, that absolute certainty that my friends are the best friends I could ever have and that they will be there for me for the rest of my life, that the boy who I love loves me unconditionally and that we will spend the rest of our lives together, I want to know that I can do anything I set my mind to, that I am intelligent and creative and constantly challenged.
I want the fear to go away. The fear that I'll spend the rest of my life reaching out to people I've lost in my life. The fear that I'm not worthy and that I'll be alone forever.
Dear Old E-mails,
i love you,
Thank you for surprising me yesterday, I hadn't thought about you for a long time and I was definitely not expecting you to come over. It's been such a long time since I've sat down and talked about the past. I'd forgotten how close we were and how much time we used to spend together. I wish We could be like we used to be, life was simpler and more exciting then. We were constantly making plans to go places, to visit friends and do things together.
Part of me is happy to have these memories to share... another part of me can't help but mourn a life we can never have again. How did we get so distant?
I think I'll always love you for the memories I have, even if I know that we will never have the same relationship we once had. I wish I knew how I could find my way back to you.
Maybe I should open a new email account, and make new memories...
Maybe the old ones are better,
(L)
Friday, January 22, 2010
Friday, January 1, 2010
new post
write something write something write something.
its the first of January 2010. I'm moving backwards... maybe I won't make the same mistakes this time round, maybe I'll make them worse. it doesn't really matter, I'm back either way.
Dear Photographs,
i love you
You remind me of all the special people and moments in my life. Having you around makes me feel loved and important and like I've actually lived this life I seem to be fumbling through.
Whenever I'm feeling lost or alone you're there to remind me that things have been great and will be great again. Sure, we have some painful memories, you've hurt me and made me cry, but I love you, and our good memories far outweigh our bad. And even though you've put on a bit of weight in the last few years it doesn't matter, it just means there's more of you to love.
infinitely more,
(L)
its the first of January 2010. I'm moving backwards... maybe I won't make the same mistakes this time round, maybe I'll make them worse. it doesn't really matter, I'm back either way.
Dear Photographs,
i love you
You remind me of all the special people and moments in my life. Having you around makes me feel loved and important and like I've actually lived this life I seem to be fumbling through.
Whenever I'm feeling lost or alone you're there to remind me that things have been great and will be great again. Sure, we have some painful memories, you've hurt me and made me cry, but I love you, and our good memories far outweigh our bad. And even though you've put on a bit of weight in the last few years it doesn't matter, it just means there's more of you to love.
infinitely more,
(L)
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
behind the tiny door was a tiny girl
I sat alone that night. I had a cup of tea and a strong feeling that things were too hard go up against. A feeling that if I fought for the life, the freedom and the happiness I felt were lacking in my life that I would lose... and in doing so lose the last glimmer of my hopes.
The wind howled outside and rattled at my new home. I felt safe though, just me, my bed and the four walls of my room.
We sat together, my bed and I. We listened to my life beating against the walls desperate to get in and we decided not to let it.
I turned the key in the door and it clicked. I boarded up the windows and pulled the sheets up around my ears. I wanted to block out everything around me.
It was so peaceful there, my green sheets and soft pillows. I felt safe and for the first time in my life I no longer felt afraid.
This was my new home, and life couldn't get in.
We stayed that way for a very long time, just me, my bed and the four walls and we were very happy together.
Things weren't so calm on the outside though. Through the boards on my windows I could see the thick dark clouds and the heavy rains. The trees tore at the boards of the house, trying to claw their way in. All the elements conspired against me... Every now and then the ground would shake and I would worry that I would be exposed. I screamed at the wind and it screamed back. I yelled at the thunder and it yelled back, louder and more forceful.
It must be said, however, that not all elements were acting with malice or ill intent. There was kindness behind some of the acts, genuine concern for my decision of reclusion, hermitisation. The sun waltzed through the cracks in the boards taunting me to join it in its dance, the breeze knocked playfully at my door asking me to follow it back to my life. I knew I had left behind many things that I loved, but simply more things that scared me, betrayed me and disappointed me.
So I sat.
Dear Love,
i love you,
Find your way through the cracks in my windows or with the light that sneaks in under my door. Find your way to me and fill my empty heart.
It's worthless without its counterpart
(L)
The wind howled outside and rattled at my new home. I felt safe though, just me, my bed and the four walls of my room.
We sat together, my bed and I. We listened to my life beating against the walls desperate to get in and we decided not to let it.
I turned the key in the door and it clicked. I boarded up the windows and pulled the sheets up around my ears. I wanted to block out everything around me.
It was so peaceful there, my green sheets and soft pillows. I felt safe and for the first time in my life I no longer felt afraid.
This was my new home, and life couldn't get in.
We stayed that way for a very long time, just me, my bed and the four walls and we were very happy together.
Things weren't so calm on the outside though. Through the boards on my windows I could see the thick dark clouds and the heavy rains. The trees tore at the boards of the house, trying to claw their way in. All the elements conspired against me... Every now and then the ground would shake and I would worry that I would be exposed. I screamed at the wind and it screamed back. I yelled at the thunder and it yelled back, louder and more forceful.
It must be said, however, that not all elements were acting with malice or ill intent. There was kindness behind some of the acts, genuine concern for my decision of reclusion, hermitisation. The sun waltzed through the cracks in the boards taunting me to join it in its dance, the breeze knocked playfully at my door asking me to follow it back to my life. I knew I had left behind many things that I loved, but simply more things that scared me, betrayed me and disappointed me.
So I sat.
Dear Love,
i love you,
Find your way through the cracks in my windows or with the light that sneaks in under my door. Find your way to me and fill my empty heart.
It's worthless without its counterpart
(L)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
eternal sunshine of a cloudy me
What are you running from young lady? Where are you running to little girl? Who is that woman staring back at you? Who is the voice in your head?
Today I’m flying.
It’s been a long time coming.
Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming desire to change… to seek out something new… to explore. Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming need to leave the pain and gut-wrenching-ness that has become my life behind and start living again.
Lately, it’s been so obvious. I can’t stay here anymore. Down here on the ground, in the ground, where creatures chew my fingers and tangle my hair, things are bad.
I need to take flight to a place where my dreams can come true… if such a place can exist.
I can be stubborn and I have been tremendously so, I have been so determined to make things work. To pick up the pieces of a broken life and turn them into a beautiful wind chime that could sing happily of the hard times whilst living only in the good. But every time I tried to piece the music together the string would snap, or a piece would slip and leave stiches in my hands.
Today my bandaged fingers turned the shards into beautiful glittering wings; today I am going to fly. But where will I go? What am I going to find up there amongst the clouds? Answers? But answers to what?
When can I stop running? When do I find peace, when do I rest? If I undid my laces and retired my shoes I would simply run barefoot wildly through the fields as afraid as before but with prickles in my toes.
How does it end?
Dear Lost Girl,
i love you
I really really love you. You will find your way, I know you will. You will because I need you to, I need you to be ok and be happy and just be a part of my life.
I won't leave you here in this place. I won't let the dogs tear you to shreds. I'll find you shelter and I'll find you hope because that's what you give to me. Hope.
You are all I have and I need you to work hard at finding yourself.
You can't be lost forever
I found you in my heart,
(L)
Today I’m flying.
It’s been a long time coming.
Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming desire to change… to seek out something new… to explore. Lately, this feeling, this overwhelming need to leave the pain and gut-wrenching-ness that has become my life behind and start living again.
Lately, it’s been so obvious. I can’t stay here anymore. Down here on the ground, in the ground, where creatures chew my fingers and tangle my hair, things are bad.
I need to take flight to a place where my dreams can come true… if such a place can exist.
I can be stubborn and I have been tremendously so, I have been so determined to make things work. To pick up the pieces of a broken life and turn them into a beautiful wind chime that could sing happily of the hard times whilst living only in the good. But every time I tried to piece the music together the string would snap, or a piece would slip and leave stiches in my hands.
Today my bandaged fingers turned the shards into beautiful glittering wings; today I am going to fly. But where will I go? What am I going to find up there amongst the clouds? Answers? But answers to what?
When can I stop running? When do I find peace, when do I rest? If I undid my laces and retired my shoes I would simply run barefoot wildly through the fields as afraid as before but with prickles in my toes.
How does it end?
Dear Lost Girl,
i love you
I really really love you. You will find your way, I know you will. You will because I need you to, I need you to be ok and be happy and just be a part of my life.
I won't leave you here in this place. I won't let the dogs tear you to shreds. I'll find you shelter and I'll find you hope because that's what you give to me. Hope.
You are all I have and I need you to work hard at finding yourself.
You can't be lost forever
I found you in my heart,
(L)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
exchange and engage
It's infinitely different now.
I don't know what has changed but for the moment there's no love, no passion, no motivation, no commitment.
I'm waiting for it to come back.
Until then I'm not sure there's a point in even trying.
....
(L)
I don't know what has changed but for the moment there's no love, no passion, no motivation, no commitment.
I'm waiting for it to come back.
Until then I'm not sure there's a point in even trying.
....
(L)
Friday, September 4, 2009
violent breeze
I'm the wind. I float through my life & and the lives of others. I move branches, shake loose a few leaves and stir up trouble with the lighter of the garbage elements.
My life is flighty, unstable, unpredictable and always moving. Always moving.
I will never stop.
I turn peoples hair to tangles, lift up their dresses with my perverted breezes. I make music with the chimes and help fires gain ground.
I am unstoppable. I will float through you and see everything you try to hide.
Dear Eternal Holidays and a Winter of Sunshine and Beaches,
i love you,
both...
Dearly, deeply and endlessly.
You make the pointlessness of human existence not bearable but pleasurable. I have learned to love my life since you entered it. I've been lonely, I've been alone, I've been swallowed and I've been spat. I've been bored, lazy, frustrated, depressed, anxious, worried and desperately trying to ignore the path to my future. But through all this commotion and confusion you have given me hope and courage and the distraction I needed to ignore the mess.
My life has become one big adventure. You wake me up in the morning with your kisses and your wishes and we sneak out of the house and run, we run until the adventures find us. I whisper my dreams into your ears and you make them real.
You are my armor against everything life throws at me. You have given me new eyes and I will not be afraid again, so long as I have you by my side. Without you I'd be hiding in a cave alone, worried and scared with only Fear to keep me company.
I'll run forever,
(L)
My life is flighty, unstable, unpredictable and always moving. Always moving.
I will never stop.
I turn peoples hair to tangles, lift up their dresses with my perverted breezes. I make music with the chimes and help fires gain ground.
I am unstoppable. I will float through you and see everything you try to hide.
Dear Eternal Holidays and a Winter of Sunshine and Beaches,
i love you,
both...
Dearly, deeply and endlessly.
You make the pointlessness of human existence not bearable but pleasurable. I have learned to love my life since you entered it. I've been lonely, I've been alone, I've been swallowed and I've been spat. I've been bored, lazy, frustrated, depressed, anxious, worried and desperately trying to ignore the path to my future. But through all this commotion and confusion you have given me hope and courage and the distraction I needed to ignore the mess.
My life has become one big adventure. You wake me up in the morning with your kisses and your wishes and we sneak out of the house and run, we run until the adventures find us. I whisper my dreams into your ears and you make them real.
You are my armor against everything life throws at me. You have given me new eyes and I will not be afraid again, so long as I have you by my side. Without you I'd be hiding in a cave alone, worried and scared with only Fear to keep me company.
I'll run forever,
(L)
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