Dear Heathers,
i love you
You are the best 80's movie I've seen in a long time, and by far the funniest.
I generally enjoy a good eighties flash back for a laugh at the clothes, jargon and their particularly hilarious breed of teen angst, but you are in a realm of your own, you are a diamond in the goddamn rough... I want to show you off to all my friends because I know that they will lovely almost intensely as I do, at the same time I want to keep you all to myself, a secret life pleasure...
Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes though don't they?
Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?
This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.
Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.
[praying in Heather's funeral] Jesus God in Heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?
All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.
Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?
I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.
Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.
Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.
Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?
We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.
It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... . So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?
I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.
[after being asked the lunchtime poll question] You go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up it's butt... push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.
Did you hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.
No Way!
My God, suicide. Why?
[holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?
[appalled] Oh man! They were fags?
Listen up: "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."
[disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!
The quarterback, buggering the linebacker...
Oh, the humanity!
No doubt I'll be seeing you again... and again,
(L)
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