one, two, three

It's not an amazing day today, looking outside at the grey clouded sky and the trees swimming in the wind it's hard to get a sense of what's to come.
I don't really feel a change coming, I feel an odd sense of anticipation. There are a few small indicators of the progression. I have a noticed a line or two that seems to be setting itself up for a long stay; organizing meetings with the proper authorities, trying to gain residency. Hey, come on, ask me! I'll tell you where you can fuck off to. But I guess I don't get much of a say in these matters from here on in.
There's also more exciting mail then usual, a definite sign that somethings happening.
I need someone to cuddle tonight, so that I don't wake up having vanished in the morning, I'm scared I won't exist. Someone needs to hold me close and hold me here.
I think this is the first year I've wanted to disappear, to swim in the other direction.
I'm not old, not yet.
It's not too late too run.







Dear Spoons,

i love you
I love you because you always make me feel safe and sheltered.
When you wrap your arms around me I am untouchable and nothing can come after me, nothing can come between us. We are untouchable.
When I wake up in bed with you I find it impossible to move, to leave, to get up and start my day. What motivation could I possibly have when my day is perfectly unbeatable? Why get up when it's all downhill from there. The ultimate morning, the best wake up nuzzling.
Spoons, you make me feel like the most adored girl in all the worlds. You always make me feel unbelievably special, because you always insist on having me close to you. Which is delightful because I wouldn't want to be with anyone else.
We are the perfect pair you and I: Big spoon, middle spoon, little spoon - I don't mind.
Spend the day in bed with me -
Hell, spend three days in bed with me.

I promise you won't regret it,
(L)

wish list

I hate Christmas carols, they rub me entirely the wrong way. And if I hear a Christmas carol before Christmas eve I get angry, even if it's only a couple days premature.
I do enjoy Christmas carols on Christmas eve, but only when I'm in a car, filled with my sisters and mum and dad (this is getting to be a harder and weirder family tradition each year) and we drive around and look at the lights with the Disney Christmas carol CD blaring and us screaming merry Christmas to everyone we see while counting Christmas trees. Every year these silly little family rituals get further afield from what I remember, but what I absolutely love about my family is that not one of us cares that we look like morons or that we're all in our 20's, we still relive these childhood games every year. Running around the backyard with sparklers, throwing them in the air and mum yelling at us, eating chips and drinking coke, hanging up our stockings with matching pegs... No one has ever claimed to be too old for this.
They're probably too scared of what we'd do to them if they did.
We still make mum fill our stockings... But now, we fill hers.







Dear Santa,

i love you
Here is a list of things I want for Christmas... I'll love you even more if I get them all...

• Ipod Nano
• Wacom tablet
• Adobe Suite
• tongue piercing
• A book shelf
• Black low-top connies
• DVDs
• The entire contents of the Peter Alexander Christmas catalog including the men
• A place in Brissie with air conditioning, a pool and a fenced yard
• TV on DVD: One Tree Hill, Buffy, Sex & the City, Heroes, entourage season 5, scrubs season 7
  
• summer dresses
• bubble blowing machine
• underwater pogo stick
• giant beach ball

(L)

waiting on the windmill

I'm holding my breath, waiting for the world to explode, for everything I have, I love, I hold sacred, to erupt into flames and be obliterated.
I'm holding my breath waiting for the ache in my heart that is inevitably going to crush my chest when I'm the only one left on this planet.
I'm 50/50; 50% sure the world will end... afraid, terrified, struggling to hold onto those precious things I cannot live without, and 50% sure I'm being a little girl, afraid for all the wrong reasons, looking at all the wrong signs, seeing an explosion where there's really just a light breeze and a walk in the sun.
Someone tell me I'm just being silly - someone convince me that its all in my head, that good things are on their way.
Someone give me a reason to breathe.





Dear Life,

i love you
but give me a hint, tell me which way I should go. There's so much going on at the moment that I think I've quit. I wish I hadn't, I keep trying to fight it, to un-quit(?).
Life, you're confusing me. I love you, but do you love me? And what are we doing together? Did we really think it would work?
I love spending time with you and everything but you're just hurting me at the moment. I can't stop thinking about what we should do. I don't want to leave you but you just keep handing me these ultimatums and I just keep ignoring them.
Where will I end up if we keep playing these games?

Give me a hint,
(L)

new shrapnel & nose bleeds

Today my bed is my sanctuary from the relentless winds carrying on with their tantrums outside the walls of my little home. These winds are threatening to take me and my little dog too off to the land of OZ. I'm not in the mood to wet witches or search for courage, love or my brain. Today I'll wait for these things to come to me. I just want to sit here, under my blanket like a kid huddling in the middle of a thunder storm waiting to be swept away. Pretending not to be afraid.






Dear Winds,

i love you
The thing about you is that you never stay long. I know our time together is precious and I scramble to steal you for as long as possible, to make the most of what time we do have.
I trap memories of you in my mind and can recall them on whims.
Your ridiculously loud laughter, playing chase-ies around the house, I hear the doors creek as you sneak into a room, the curtain sway from you passing through. I could chase you all day, following the signs you leave behind. But you are impossible to catch, I never seem to be able to wrap my arms around you and say 'gotcha' you're too elusive, I'm not sure that you will ever truly be mine.
But it's impossible for me to hide from you, you can sneak up on me, find me no matter how well I hide. I like hiding from you, and looking for you... although all I ever see is the swaying of the trees you pass by.

Stay a while?
(L)

booze & boiz

I sit beside myself with everything in between.
I sit beside myself with nothing to prove,
with clean sheets,
with dirty hair,
a box of chocolates,
and a life.
My life.






Dear Sleep,

i love you
Last night I waited in my bed for you. I waited all night long.
Normally you come swiftly, sweeping me away from my tiring thoughts and repetitive inner monologue to our special world, the world where nothing exists but you and me.
But last night I was alone, alone in the dark with my thoughts and my nightmares, monsters crept around my windows and strange howling winds threatened the cocoon that sheltered me and my thoughts.
Sleep, I need you. The night alone left me feeling scattered and shaky. It had such a dramatic impact on me. I found it hard to operate all day today.
It's simple, without you I'm a complete mess, utterly hopeless.
All the nights I spend with you I never tired of your company or get irritated with your words. It's like I begin a time-warp when you enter my room, my bed, my head. My time with you is never wasted and always cut short, time with you is priceless, is necessary and is as hard to quit as any drug.
After hanging out with you I feel refreshed, awakened and alive.
Please never leave me alone for a whole night again, it scares me. Worries me. Fills me with angst and frustration.
Thoughts of you distract me from my work, often when I'm doing assignments or watching a movie I am consumed with thoughts of you that carry me away from the tasks I am attempting and take me into your arms. Other nights I lay in my bed and wait for you to come to me.
I wait for you every night, and always will.

Sweet dreams,
(L)

the story teller

There once was a boy who worked too little and was bummed and sad. He wanted to work but for some reason no one needed his help, he wandered the world confused and disheartened, looking for meaning and help and guidance and the truth behind all those questions life throws at you with no intention of answering.
One day the boy found that he had wandered back to the beginning of his journey and there people welcomed him and many a celebration were had in honor of his return, this made the boy happy but he did not feel content here, this was no longer his home despite all the friends he had made and he returned to his wanderings now not only in search of answers but in search of a place where he could belong.
He settled his pack down by a river and looked out over a small river city nestled over the hill and watched the lights of the city and the light from the stars dancing on the water and he felt peace in his heart.
He slept there the night, under the lights of the city and under the light from the stars and dreamed he was dancing on the water with them.
When morning came and he awoke he was happy and knew that he could not leave this place of lights and dancing and he picked up his pack and walked down into the city.
It welcomed him almost graciously and set him to work, not one, not two, but three jobs.
The boy was happy that his life had found some meaning and happy that he had found his home, he began working and planning and seeing his life in front of him just as he had always dreamed. during the day he would work and during the night he would dance on the water.
But slowly his work dragged him down and he would stumble home exhausted - too tired to dance or to look out the window at the lights. He closed his blinds and tried to sleep the night away so he could be rejuvenated for working the next day.
The boy had one day a week off and on this day he would rest and sit inside away from the lights and rock out on guitar hero.
The boy was still happy even though he was exhausted and tired and cranky most of the time until one day, this boy fell ill.
He was sweating and feverish. He felt deathly cold to himself and deathly hot to everyone else.
No one knew what to do and all feared. People came from all over the river city to visit him and try their best to cure him. In time word spread to all the people he had met in his wanderings and hey traveled far to see the boy and to try and diagnose him or to cure him.
Although the boy had not declined he had not gotten any better until one night he fell into a fevered sleep and began dreaming of his life, he dreamt of the night he spend under the stars and felt the cool breeze against his cheek and the smell of the water as it was lifted from the river by the wind and carried to him. When he opened his eyes he saw the stars above his head and the lights from the city were again sparkling in the river.
Next to him was a young girl who sat staring at the stars.
'lets go dancing' she whispered to the night, to the stars, the river and the city lights.
The boy and the girl danced on the river and danced with the river and he remembered why he had felt so content.
He danced all night long until the stars disappeared into the light of the sky and he continued to dance on his exhausted feet all the way home.
Everyone was excited to see the boy out of bed and in such high spirits that they partied for several days all of them wanting to know what had cured him and how. As time passed they all returned to their homes and the boy returned to his jobs but every night on his way home he would look to the stars, the lights and the river and feel that peace again.
the end.






Dear Stories,

i love you
Beginning, middle and end.

that is all
(L)

somersaults

I'm worn out, I think it's end of year blues or something. I'm not sure that I've ever felt this lost before, or this alone.
I'll continue to push people away. Others seem to be determined to push me, which is fine I suppose. Everyone has their reasons for keeping things an arms length away, some times further.
My tummy hurts at the moment from all the somersaulting I've been making it do and my heart is confused and angry and tormented and saddened by all. by nothing. by everything. by you. by me.






Dear Flash,

i love you
Your love burns me like a fire burning my heart into black cinders. I long to spend every minute with you, staring at you for hours and never feeling satisfied but always content.
You made my dreams come true, you helped me learn amazing new things and spent everyday at my house helping me not to fail tafe.
Everyday was just too much though my dear... Whenever we hang out we end up cooped inside listening to music. We stay up all night together, which is lovely but doesn't feel so great the next day. You know that I care about you but I just need a break for a while. I'm sorry, I hope this doesn't come as too much of a shock. It's just sometimes you wear me out a little and I'd just like some space to be on my own. Sometime to enjoy my life and the summer days outside.

I hope you understand.
(L)

who would dream about shaving guinea pigs?

For days I've been thinking about my next post, trying to decide what the next love that will grace this page will be and I have not been able to think of anything.
I don't feel love and I don't feel loved.
It's hard to keep your eye on the prize when you don't know where or what the prize is. Just a long meaningless life with many disappointments and lost friends.




Dear Odd Shoes,

i love you
I saw you at the pub on Friday night, you and your odd shoes. Checkered on one foot, black and something or rather on the other. I thought to myself, 'goodness that is cool, I could definitely go for a guy who wears odd shoes.'
I didn't talk to you though, I'm not sure why. I talked to plenty of other guys but you and your shoes intimidated me a little. I think you were wearing a love heart necklace too.
I don't know many boys who wear odd shoes and love heart necklaces, I guess I didn't talk to you because I cared whether or not you talked back, usually this is of little consequence to me.
I left the pub, I was rather drunk I think and I hung around the front like vomit hangs around the Newie and I saw you, sitting across the street on the steps looking at me. Waiting for me?
me and my odd earrings?
my matching shoes?
Thank you for walking me home,

And thank you for waiting,
(L)

super fly

A late night phone call.
A knock on my door.
A booty call?
No.
I was sitting quietly on my bed, abusing myself internally for the lack of productive flashing that was again the torment of my evening. Entourage has raped me of my freedom and I spend night after painful night watching Vinnie Chase get laid and make millions of $$$ while I slowly kill any chance of passing my TAFE course... and subsequently any chance of my being accepted into University next year. A painful cycle.
My phone rang, a small voice offering a late night surprise was on the other end of the line and I was happy, and I stayed that way for the rest of the night.
Thanks friends, for the jokes, the songs, the dancing, the guitar, the treats, the bruises and the memories.







Dear Midnight Soft Serves,

i love you
You are so sweet and when you kiss me they are the softest iciest kisses I have ever felt. When I hold you to my lips I feel more satisfaction than I have in such a long time.
I know that you feel the same way about me too because I see how my kisses and the soft meaningful strokes of my tongue melt you. Knowing that I have this affect on you causes my mouth to split open into the largest smile ever seen on a smitten girl, because you have the same affect on my heart. I'm still smiling now, I can't stop.
I wasn't expecting your visit last night, it was so lovely to see your pale smiling face and to hold you so tenderly in my hands.
I slipped your jacket from your shoulders and we made love there in the hallway.

Sorry, I couldn't wait,
(L)

one month

Hi.

Hi.
How are you?
Yeah I'm good... How are you?
Yeah, good, bit hot.
I cant believe how hot it is today
Yeah it sucks.
So, what are you doing today?
This.
Yeah me too, then I've got an assignment
Oh that's shit, whats it on?
its a 2000 word essay on middle eastern politics.
Whoa, heavy!
Yeah its shit. haven't done any of the readings.
Serious? When's it due?
Tomorrow
Fuck.
Yeah.
'what did he say?' 'who are u messaging?' 'write hi from me'

Dear Texts,

i love you
I hate:

• Sitting around making chit chat with people I don't know


• Asking questions I honestly don't care about hearing the answer to


• Making awkward eye contact when I'm out by myself


• Seeing 1000 people I know when I don't feel like talking/being polite


• Being interrogated by drunk people who have forgotten the concept of personal space


• Not having a pen and paper when I'm bored
  


• Awkward silences

In these moment you are my life hero. You can distract me from the terrible consuming awkwardness and whisk me away into a world full of people I love and enjoy talking to.
You say things that make me giggle, but I try and laugh quietly and conservatively, so as not to raise the curiosity of those surrounding us, not acquire their attention and intrigued gazes.
I don't like it when people ask me about you, look over our shoulders and try to see what we are doing.
Sometimes I'll wait an entire day just to see you and won't, sometimes I'll forget you're coming over and leave you standing at the door for hours. But I ALWAYS enjoy seeing you, even when you just visit to tell me my credit balance

I love: You,
(L)

a cloudy day

There's always something worth crying over.
Sometimes I like to sit in front of the mirror and think about all the horrible things going on in my life. I like to watch my face change; the subtle changes at first, then more dramatic. Sometimes my face will not change at all and the tears will begin streaming from a serene face.
Watching yourself in those moments of weakness... No, watching yourself in those moments of strength can do strange things to you. I often find myself feeling stronger, more determined to change, to fix the things that are wrong. To find the cause of my pains and overcome them. I think this is because when we see people we love cry we are compelled to help them, to cure them. When it's yourself that you are seeing this feeling seems magnified, expanded, urgent... perhaps.







Dear Tear Drops,

i love you
You are beauty; you inspire courage, empathy, sympathy, vulnerability & honesty.
Sometimes you betray me, tell others things I would have rather kept to myself. At these times I fight to hold you back, to stop you from blurting out my true feelings to the world. I know that you don't do this viciously, you simply believe in truth, especially when emotions are involved, and I find this sincerity arresting, overwhelmingly gorgeous.
You are beautiful in many ways, in your fluidity, the smooth and graceful way you roll through life. You are a constant comfort to me, you always hold the answers to my problems and aid me through moments of intense and utter sorrow.
We've been spending a lot of time together lately. You seem to have an innate ability to sense when I am lonely and visit me then. You sit with me through the pain and become my companion in loneliness.
You and I have a private love, a love that is more earnest then anything I have ever felt. You have a way of looking at me, straight in the eyes, that touches me more than anything. When you stare at me like this I imagine that you are sitting inside my brain reading my thoughts and pouring your profound serenity through the wells in my eyes.

Come sit with me,
(L)

a punch in the nuts

I keep hurting people. I seem to be going about my everyday life and all of a sudden 'BAM' another one bites the dust and I'm to blame and it sucks.
It is my fault, I know it. The problem is I just don't see it coming, and I can talk myself into anything which is a majorly bad thing when you shouldn't be doing something.
I might be dangerous.







Dear _____________,

i love you
What is this burning desire I have to keep you safe, to keep you close, to grant you your wishes for eternity?
I want to deliver you into the hands of your dreams and watch you dance away into the life you long to lead... Even though I know this is not a life I can be part of.
I long to be good enough for you, to see you smile at me with utter adoration, but your eyes have been emptied. I'm not to you what I once was.
I want to take you by the hand, lead you through the hidden door in the back of the garden and down the rabbit hole to a secret place where I can keep you safe. Safe from pain, safe from heartache, stress and life.
I don't want you to feel these pains that I feel, I want you to be free of them because you are so sweet, so kind, so gentle and unassuming and do not deserve pain. I deserve all I get because I bring it on myself but you don't. There is not malice in your thoughts, no judgments in the looks you cast.
If I was you I would reach out and take what I wanted, screw right and screw wrong. But you won't, you would never - and it saddens my heart. You deserve to feel the happiness that holding that hand inside yours would bring, you deserve to whisper secrets into that ear and hold that body close to you.Your deserve everything love has to offer you. I want to hand it to you on a platter and say, 'look my sweet, this is love... Take it, I've had my fill - it's your turn.'
I think I might love you more than anything in the world, you keep me smiling, dancing and loving,

You are my family always dearest,
(L)

crushing

Jack

kate kate... tell me a story

im bored and dont wanna work

5:42pmKate

me either

but i have to

i hate how much i procrastinate

there once was a girl who cried because she had so much work to do she thought she would collapse under the impact

5:43pmJack

lol.... and what happened to this poor unfortunate girl?

5:44pmKate

she went to school and sorted through everything and decided it might actually be possible to succeed if she applied an abnormally large amount of dedication to the tasks at hand

she set to work

this wasn't going to be easy, she stayed home from school the next day and made paper owls, these were part of an assignment and not some crazy business of a side tracking nature, these owls were cute but they weren't really fixing the core of the problem

she needed to write an essay and design a CD cover before Friday

this was the most pressing concern that weighed on her

she struggled around with this enormous burden on her shoulders fearing that at any moment it would prove to much for her pathetically weak frame and she would be crushed

but slowly she lifted it off and observed it

5:46pmJack

you forgot to mention she is a short ass!

5:46pmKate

it was a big bundle, a huge bunde, a bundle of immense proportion (this girl enjoyed the word bundle) and it should be noted that this girl was a short ass

5:46pmJack

ha better

5:47pmKate

she decided she would stay up all night and make a CD case, then tomorrow (being Wednesday) she would complete the essay and by Thursday the looming day of death, her bundle would have been lightened (thought not dramatically)

5:48pmJack

hmmm so what happened???

dont leave me hangin

5:49pmKate

so she persevered until about 4am when she decided her nemesis sleep had one. she made many many many CD cases but they were all of poor artistic quality. she fell into a restless sleep worrying about what would happen if she could not complete her work, if she CD case was mega crap and if her essay was well shy of a 1000 word, she knew

it would end in certain death, nothing would aid her in recovery from that harsh blow

she woke up determined

then went back to sleep deflated

5:50pmKate

when she awoke the second time she set out to finish the CD case to a much higher standard. this was achieved, it was not actually all that hard to improve on the poor standard that was the mark of the previous nights efforts and she was vaguely and remotely OK with what she came up with

she decided she deserved a short break before delving into the essay and sat down to enjoy a small morsel of lunch and a gianormous milkshake with her com padre Bestie...

she got home and decided she would write her essay

5:52pmJack

lol this sounds like the climax

5:52pmKate

she sat down at her computer, read over her smart ass introduction, laughed at her arrogance

opened her web browser

and signed into facebook

the end

Dear Facebook

i love you
I love the distractions you bring on a boring afternoon, but I hate it when you know I have work to do and you just sit around and interrupt me, its really irritating because you know I'm about to fail TAFE and you know how much I don't want to.
Just leave me alone for the rest of the night, and maybe be a bit distant next week too?

Please? I'm powerless against you...
(L)

apologies

busy busy busy :(






Dear Blog,

i love you
But I'm too busy to write on you for a while.
Don't feel neglected, I will be back.
(L)

rumours

I don't actually know whether it's strange or not, whether it makes me abnormal... but I don't think it does...
So, I like a little bit of pain sometimes, I'm thinking that's not the weirdest thing anyone's ever heard since we all tongue our loose teeth even though it hurts, its a good sort of pain? right?
Well, I love all sorts of painful things, nothing too fucked up or crazy like whips or cutting or anything like that, I'm talking lamecore painful things. Like Chinese burns, slaps, pinches, that feeling when you accidentally ram yourself into something and feel like the limb in question may never work properly again. Maybe thats why I have so many brusies, perhaps subconciusly my body's looking for it's next hit. Sicko.







Dear Pinches

i love you
You are the most sexy thing I have ever seen on this planet and, consequently, you turn me on terribly!
I know it's probably crazy to love you like this when all you do is hurt me... but you're everything to me, I know you can be short and blunt but I'm happy to endure the pain for the moments of ecstasy they bring, moments of pure uninhibited excitement and passion.
The pain excites me, I know it's wrong to say, I'm sitting here thinking about all the women trapped in abusive relationships who may read this and cry at my idiocy and all the Nazi feminist who would read this and feel compelled to throw up... But Pinches, if you stopped hurting me, I think I'd stop loving you.
Oh that is so screwed up, but I know you love me, I don't think you'd hurt me if I asked you to stop, a little bit of S&M never hurt anyone did it?

Oh wait, thats the point...
(L)

i'm not sorry

I often find myself waiting for apologies or waiting for the moment I'm allowed to forgive someone for hurting me. I don't like being angry at people, especially people I value. But the apologies don't always come, or else they come and they're not what I was expecting, they seem hollow. I can see right through them to the insincere face delivering them. These transparent words hurt the worst I think, because I've been hanging out to release my forgiveness and make amends and then I end up more confused and wounded then I was originally.
I want to forgive everyone, but I don't think that they all deserve it. And I don't want people to walk all over me because they know I can't hold a very good grudge.





Dear Apologies,

i love you
You fix things, mend my wounds, heal my heart. Your attention surprises me and often causes my cheeks to light up in shades of pink and red.
You always speak to me so tenderly and always to heartfelt - You take my aching heart in your hands and nurture it into love, courage and most importantly, forgiveness.
You are the angel of my life, you come to me when I am feeling hurt or betrayed and you lift that sorrow from me and free me into a new world.
But Apology, the last time we hung out your words were empty. Your usual affect was lost on me, I felt more hurt and more betrayed by our last encounter than I have felt from any betrayal. I think you were being selfish, I think you were TRYING to get the forgiveness without much emphasis on the foreplay, and I'm sorry but the pain is too deep for forgiveness, I don't think it's mendable, not unless you can be the best Apology you've ever been... And I don't think you care enough to try.
It really hurts me when I'm waiting for certain things to be done or to be said so I can make a mends with you, but knowing at the same times these things will never occur.
I don't think you could understand how much you've hurt me because I don't understand it myself.
Please don't try to apologise again,

It only hurts me,
(L)

rose grey, lady grey, chai, sleepy time, chamomile

Tea, tea, tea, tea, tea. There's nothing better then sitting down in front of the television with a pot of a tea, an awesome housie, a blanket and puppy. It's the stuff dreams are made of.
There's also nothing better then sitting in a big cosy chair with a cup of tea and a good book (and maybe a puppy).







Dear Tea,

i love you
And I don't think I tell you that enough. I know you have only come into my life recently but you have changed everything so dramatically, you've altered my perspective on life.
Every morning when I wake up all I can do is think about seeing your face, spending time with you, feeling your soft kisses. Mornings, morning teas, afternoon teas and nighttime. You and I have an all day love affair which shoots lightning bolts through my body.
There's something magical about you that turns me into a fiend, it's in your kisses (that's where it is). They're searingly hot at first, like you've lit my lips on fire. They melt me. The fire from your lips spreads all over my body and settles in my tummy.
I know that my love is both real and true because when I know we're going to be hanging out I get super smiley and the butterflies invade my stomach to practice their aeronautical routines. When we make plans to watch late night movies I run around like crazy trying to get everything organised and perfect before you arrive.
It has to be true because your touch affects my entire being - it reaches deep inside my stomach and swells around in my heart.

I want you, NOW.
(L)

half empty

I woke up feeling alone; feeling empty. Like there was a part of me missing - a big part. This feeling was surprising to me as I hadn't been feeling this way before. Had part of me escaped in the night, leaving me deflated?
I felt isolated. I missed everything I ever thought my life could be and even the things I knew my life still was. I was detached from every movement I made and every feeling I felt aside from the overwhelming pain in my heart.
I don't like this feeling, but am glad that tomorrow this feeling will be gone.
There's peace in that.







Dear Missing,

i love you,
You're gone now and I'm aching for you, aching for the touch of your words on my heart, my heart which feels utterly empty without you.
I wish we could have pulled together and made it work, instead we pulled apart and watched it die, writhing in the vacuum we had created, struggling to survive.
It's strange to think that I could have loved you forever, been with you for eternity. It's stranger still to think that I will love someone as fiercely as I loved you, but I will.
The distance is so vast and dark, I don't know how to cross it and reach you. Things in my life seem so odd when you're not associated with them anymore, my bed feels sacred to you and I. Your cuddles and your warmth - so terrifying to know that I will never be your littlest spoon again. Never again feel you behind me, breathing your life into my spine.
You've gone now,
Missing
Missing
Missing
But your lips belong to me, I stole them like a theif in the night. I keep them in my pocket and your heart still hugs my heart where they sleep together on my sleeve. But my heart is heavy, burdened and lonelier than I knew it could be. Because your heart has changed, its a shadow of what it once was, a memory perhaps.
How do you know whats meant to be? Forgotten, embraced, kept at a distance?
How do you know who's meant to be? Loved, fought for, betrayed, erased.
What memories would I be willing to lose in order to avoid fragments of a rubble heart?

All? None.
(L)

times have changed

50 pieces of gum... You think, I'm going to get some awesome tattoos. You think, scorpians, spiders, skull and crossbones, pirate treasures...
30 Pieces of gum and you get, three bright blue cameras which say CLIK. 100's of little manga dragonball Z type peoples, 'a do not walk sign', a chicken in a pot, a boxing kangaroo, some weird egyptian stuff, and cool ass sunglasses with lightening bolts on them.
20 pieces of PIRATE gum and you get, 4 pirate ships, 3 pirate treasure chests, 2 skulls and crossbones, 1 mean looking pirate, 2 ship pirate face combos and 8 ugly pirates with hook hands... I repeat 8!!! Why do they always make more of the shit ones no body wants?
It's not easy fitting 20 pieces of gum in your mouth at once either, and it makes one hell of a gum/spit ball.




Dear Bubblegum Tattoos,

i love you
I love you for many reasons, firstly because you're full of surprises, I never know exactly what I will get out of my time spent with you. Secondly I love you because you are sweet, sometimes you smell like bananas but mostly you are just sickly sweet, you treat me so well I feel like my teeth will rot out and my stomach burn and twist into a giant gum ball of uselessness, I like this about you, nothing else makes me feel this way. Thirdly, I love you because when your skin touches my skin it leaves a mark, I feel as if your touch embeds your thoughts onto my skin.
We were childhood sweethearts you and I, but we weren't like Joey and Dawson, Seth and Summer, Lucas and Peyton... We didn't have a swarm of high school kids wishing we'd get back together, knowing it was fate and just waiting for us to realise.
It was a shock to me, I think it was a shock to you too. But now we're together I think its the right thing, I think it's going to be great and I think we'll be together for a long time yet.

You know what I love about you, how you can be really lame but really cool at the same time, because FOURTHLY, you can make a chicken boiling in a pot with a handkerchief in his hand the most awesome thing I've ever seen...

I don't understand that, but I do understand that I love you,
(L)

laundry gremlins

I woke up this morning, rubbed my eyes, rolled clumsily out of bed and stumbled down towards the bathroom, shock, amazement, disbelief. WHAT IS THIS SHIT??? A giant laundry monster had entered the house and was threatening to take over. When on Earth had this happened? I couldn't recall a giant laundry pile being there before I went to bed...
So, this was something that needed to be dealt with swiftly, and also, before any of my extremely patient housemates realised they were sick of living with the laziest girl alive. I'm lazier than you're actually thinking I am now, I mean, it's one thing to let the laundry build up because I mean, who has the time or the inclination to do laundry...
I do.
I have both of those things.
I've been on holidays for two weeks, this is the time when laundry should be most up to date, but worse still, laundry is actually something I enjoy doing. It makes me happy... so why did this happen? HOW did this happen?
I'm still not sure, but 7 loads later and the problem had been solv-ed.






Dear Laundry

i love you
I fell out of bed this morning and into a oversized pile of clothes and towels that seemed to have enveloped my entire back foyer, bathroom/laundry area. This was perplexing because until this very moment I had not comprehended the actual severity of the situation; this made things worse, because i realised... I hadn't miss you.
This was an odd sensation because I know that I love you, so how did I not notice your absence in my life? When did we become one of those couples that can go days without talking? hanging out?
It hit me like the car hit my puppy; Laundry, you and I haven't been hanging out as much as we should... I mean, I don't even know how I've held out this long, why wasn't there an underwear crisis as a warning?
So I spent today with you and it was marvelous. You make my days brighter, you fill my life with sunshine. When I'm with you the doors to my soul fly open and I dance around the house with such purpose and meaning, I think I could be the perfect stepford wife if I married you.
You, puppy and I all in the backyard enjoying the sunshine, reading a book, waiting for the clothes to dry.
There's always music when I'm with you, like our love has a soundtrack. It's hard to pin-point what exactly it is about you that I love, the one thing I know though, is when I lie down in bed after spending a day with you there is always sunshine in my sheets, and I know you put it there.
I empty my hamper into your tub and watch our lives spin dry together, and my tumble drier tummy spins too;

Just at the thought of you.
(L)

i think there for i am ... confused.

I don't know, everything is a little confusing sometimes. But lately everything has been confusing all the time and its very tiresome. I feel kind of lost because of it, and I feel like everything I do is a mistake, and that these mistakes are building a hate club against me, and eventually there will be an army of mistakes knocking on my door with flaming torches, so many things. I can't stop it either.
But in a way, I like it, the confusion that is, not the angry mob with torches and revenge. The confusion gives me things to think about and when the thought is confusing enough I can mull over it for hours, days, weeks.
Simplicity is nice too I guess, but boring.






Dear Confusion,

i love you
At least, I think I do... I can't imagine my life without you, but then again, my life with you is also hard to see.
I don't even know how you feel about me? Do you like me? Love me? appreciate me in anyway? I think I appreciate you... I know that you make me happy, well you do some times, other times you make me so angry, so sad.
I don't know what I know, what I want, what I feel.
What am I?
When I'm around you everything becomes a big question, and as a result I turn into a giant exclamation mark of frustration, or is it amazement? No, I think it's more like exasperation.
I'm in awe of how you manage to make everything to damn complicated. Nothing is simple, but it all seems so simple when I'm with you, then I walk away and I don't know anymore... or is it the other way around? When I'm with you I'm confused and when I walk away it all makes sense?
I guess I know that I have these crazy feelings for you, whether they are like or love or adoration... or hate? I'd like to know how you think of me but I suppose I probably never will.

You boggle my mind, but in a completely astonishing and captivating way...
I think.
(L)

flash back

Just wishing I was born in the 70's so I could have grown up in the 80's...





Dear Heathers,

i love you
You are the best 80's movie I've seen in a long time, and by far the funniest.
I generally enjoy a good eighties flash back for a laugh at the clothes, jargon and their particularly hilarious breed of teen angst, but you are in a realm of your own, you are a diamond in the goddamn rough... I want to show you off to all my friends because I know that they will lovely almost intensely as I do, at the same time I want to keep you all to myself, a secret life pleasure...

---

Hey Ram, doesn't this cafeteria have a no fags allowed rule?
Well, they seem to have an open door policy for assholes though don't they?

---

Veronica, why are you pulling my dick?

---

This is Ohio. If you don't have a brewski in your hand you might as well be wearing a dress.

---

Shit, Heather, I don't have anything against Martha Dunnstock.
You don't have anything for her either. Come on. It will be very. The note will give her shower-nozzle masturbation material for weeks.

---

[praying in Heather's funeral] Jesus God in Heaven, why'd you have to kill such hot snatch?

---

All we want is to be treated like human beings, not to be experimented on like guinea pigs or patronized like bunny rabbits.
I don't patronize bunny rabbits.

---

Wanna go out tonight? Catch a movie? Miniature golf?
I was thinking more along the lines of slitting Heather Duke's wrists open, making it look like suicide.
Ah, now you're talking. I can be up for that. I've already started underlining meaningful passages in her copy of Moby Dick, if you know what I mean.

---

Whether to kill yourself or not is one of the most important decisions a teenager can make.

---

Well, fuck me gently with a chainsaw. Do I look like Mother Theresa?

---

We must pray the other teenagers of Sherwood, Ohio, know the name of that righteous dude who can solve their problems: it's Jesus Christ, and he's in the Book.

---

It's so great to be able to talk to a girl and not have to ask "What's your major?". I hate that... . So, when you go to college, what subjects do you think you'll study?

---

I prayed for the death of Heather Chandler many times and I felt bad everytime I did it but I kept doing it anyway. Now I know you understood everything. Praise Jesus, Hallelujah.

---

[after being asked the lunchtime poll question] You go to the zoo and you get a lion. Stick a remote control bomb up it's butt... push the button on the bomb and you and the lion die like one.

---

Did you hear? School's canceled today cause Kurt & Ram killed themselves in a repressed, homosexual, suicide pact.
No Way!

---

My God, suicide. Why?
[holds up bottle of mineral water found next to one of the bodies] Does *this* answer your question?
[appalled] Oh man! They were fags?
Listen up: "We realized we could never reveal our forbidden love to an uncaring and un-understanding world."
[disgusted] Jesus H. Christ!
The quarterback, buggering the linebacker...
Oh, the humanity!

No doubt I'll be seeing you again... and again,
(L)

hello little cloud

It rained today, it was life changing rain if such a thing exists. It altered my mood completely and I was totally lost in the excitement. I felt like a child again, listening to the loud thudding on my roof and hoping that it would somehow get louder, more violent... a black out? flash flooding? a hail storm?
Rain just seems to dramatic, so uncertain and I think the uncontrollable and mysterious nature of it is what really makes my heart race. I know a lot of people love rain, maybe they can love it as much as I do, I'm not sure. It could be possible, with me though rain just seems to intimate, so personal, and I'd like to believe no one else experiences rain in the same way I do, that it is my own special pleasure that no one else could understand or comprehend.






Dear Rain,

i love you
I asked for you today... I was sitting outside on my step with my pillow and my pup. I was daydreaming I think. My eyes wandered to the sky and I saw a little white cloud, he winked at me, I'm sure. I cocked my head to the side and I thought, 'little cloud, please can you make Rain come play with me today, I've been missing him.'
I didn't think you'd come, I didn't think that tiny fluff of a cloud had it in him - but two hours later I heard you tapping on my window. You were here, and you were magnificent. I lay down on the grass and let you cover me in little wet kisses.
I adore you rain, when you speak your velvet voice drowns out all my thoughts and all my fears until all I can do is sit mesmerized. You are exhilarating, and seeing you in such fine form made it hard for me to breath; I've been missing our meetings. You hadn't called me in such a long time I was starting to think you'd lost interest in me but today you were so intense that all I can do until I see you again is lie in bed and hope to hear your voice or your soft tapping on my window.
Don't wait so long this time, I want to walk with you again

I'll be listening,
(L)